When it comes to parenting littles, middles, and bigs…I felt fairly confident.
Not that I was doing everything right. Haha, not by any means.
But I had resources! I had a mindset! I knew that those stages were all coming, and I anticipated them.
But college age/adult children? Not so much. Watch…
The Picture that Sparked All of This
My view of my son, Garrett, as he headed out to work last week. 🥰
Every week he’s away at school until late Thursday.
Works Friday and Saturday.
Home and church on Sunday.
Rinse. Repeat.
I spent so much time with my nose down raising children that I honestly gave almost no thought to this stage: Kind of home and kind of not. Really close-ish to grown.
The simultaneously exhilarating and frustrating state of being an almost-adult.
A time of dueling existences.
And I have no idea how to be This Mom.
So I make lots of mistakes.
I waffle between treating the college kids as guests when they’re home and asking why they’re not taking more responsibility around the house.
I fuss.
I pray.
I apologize.
Sometimes in that order. But not always.
Amazingly, I find that they’re the ones with the grace.
They know that Mama is in new territory. In a hundred different ways.
They remind me not to compare myself with others. They tell me they think I’m funny. They show me memes I don’t understand and take the time to explain them.
And they give lots of good hugs, fist bumps, I got you’s, and you’ve got this’s.
And so This Mom is learning about parenting as if she’s 25 again and hasn’t a clue what she’s gotten herself into.
And she’s grateful to be parenting children she can also now call Friend.
So, what am I learning in this (surprisingly) new stage of parenting?
- The best approach {to anything} is to start in God’s Word.
- Recognize that God is your Source before you look for resources.
- Find a way to spend time together away from distractions.
- Change your parenting mindset.
I think the video covers the first two ideas. These are the resources I mentioned, plus a bonus one for my blog readers💛:
- Grown and Flown
- Guilty Chocoholic Mama
- Kristen Welch at the We Are That Family blog
On to number 3…
Find a Way to Spend Time Together Away from Relational Distractions
What do I mean by relational distractions?
Well, let me tell you a story about me.
One of the things that I’ve found when my college kids are home is that a great deal of the time…our house distracts me from them.
Huh?
Well, if I’m in the kitchen and the trash hasn’t been taken out or the dishes haven’t been done, I tend to find a sarcastic remark to say instead of directly asking for help (or just doing it myself).
{Sarcasm’s not good for relationships, by the way.}
Which is a bummer because I find it very amusing.
Nagging mom moments like this are not good for promoting communication and relationship building.
It’s a fast way to get my kids to want to avoid my company.
And I don’t want that!
So I’ve found a really simple solution!
And by “I,” I mean Haley.🥰 My oldest, who when she was home during quarantine, started us on this and it made. All. The. Difference.
Take a walk around the neighborhood together.
I told you it was simple.😀
This connection time is way more than getting some fresh air and Vitamin C.
It’s a chance for us to talk without the distraction of technology (more a problem for me than it is for them). And I’m not staring at a dirty kitchen, so my mind is less distracted.
The bonus to this is that my kids usually end up talking about things that we might not have talked about while just sitting around.
Somehow, the activity allows for better conversation.
Have you noticed this?
Raining outside or can’t go for a walk for some other reason? Try putting together a puzzle or playing a game that doesn’t require tons of attention.
We had the best conversation the other night during a game of SkipBo. I lost, by the way.😐😏
What about you? What’s your “dirty kitchen”?
Haha, you know, what’s the thing that distracts you from meaningful time with your older kids?
If it’s a location, then you can fairly easily change your location.
Change your Parenting Mindset
So the biggest stumbling block we’ve had is household expectations.
As in, my expectations not being met.
So, I’ve had to ask myself:
What’s the goal here?
You know, as parents think about the reasons you have your kids do chores.
These were my main goals for chores:
- To learn responsibility
- To learn how to do tasks that they’ll need to be able to do when they live on their own
- To contribute to the family’s good functioning–you know, we all use bath towels so we can all take part in washing, drying, folding, and putting them away.
So, in learning to change my mindset, I’m asking myself…why am I having this issue with this kid?
✔ Are they responsible people?
✔ Do they know how to [fill in the said task here]?
To me, that pretty much satisfies that when the kids are home for these fleeting moments when I still see them, if those two questions are yeses, then I need to be like Elsa and Let. It. Go!
The only nagging one in my mind is that third one…because let’s face it: This ain’t the Ritz.
There’s no maid coming to turn any beds down any time soon.😂
So, I struggle with my kids not doing things that need doing and really, my problem is when they don’t notice it needs doing.
THERE’S the meat of it.
Even as I write that, all I can think is how many times do I not see “what needs doing”?
In my parents’ home today? When I’m at a church or social event? At a friend’s house?
And so, I think the answer lies in Grace.
You know, the thing that the Good Lord gives to us so freely.
The thing that means getting something we don’t deserve.
The thing that means You Are Loved Unconditionally.
It’s also the thing I have given to my children very rarely in their lifetime, I’m ashamed to say.
So, moving forward, my plan is to change that old mindset and make a conscious effort to choose grace.
Won’t you join me?